LECTURE - BARBARA JACKSON
FORGIVENESS
Thank you for the invitation to speak.
Now I do not use notes when I give a talk. I find that it is about trusting and surrendering, which is always interesting because we always feel as if we need to be in control.
Before I start on the subject of forgiveness, I was listening to a podcast this morning by a gentleman named Leigh Harris. He is an intuitive and he also has the most amazing music. So, before we start, I would like you all to close your eyes and I am going to say a mantra. I will say it three times, giving you time to say it to yourselves either verbally or silently.
“I call back all the pieces of my heart that I have ever given away.” Just let that land in your mind. Whatever it means to you, however it resonates with you. Those words were so exceptionally powerful when I heard them this morning and I really wanted to share them with you.
When I was asked to be a speaker today, I said, “Okay, what am I going to talk about?” And what came up in big, bold light was the word, FORGIVENESS.
Forgiveness can be a very triggering, awe-inspiring word. It comes full of emotions, full of feelings. When we are young, we are told to say ‘sorry.’ No, you have to mean it. ‘Sorry.’ And in some cultures, in some beliefs, when we are told to say sorry there is no real heart intent in that word - Sorry.
People often think of forgiveness as condoning someone’s behaviour. And, after experiencing wrong at their hands, the last thing they want to do is condone anything that person did or does.
My mother was my best teacher. She was the most beautiful, gentle kind lady love was ever put into. We grew up in an environment with a lot of domestic violence. So how can you forgive that. How is it possible to forgive someone who repeatedly carries out these acts then says “I’m, sorry. I will never do that again.” And you know there will be a next time and a next time.
Like, how do you believe that?
Why should I forgive that? They should know better.
We have all these layers sitting inside our heart and I say again, it is not about condoning behaviour. It is about taking back our power.
Taking back our strength.
Taking back our emotions. T
Taking back our ability to believe - now that’s a hard one.
My Mum passed very young, she was only 56 years old and all of us girls got together the day before she passed - she knew, bless her. She said that she had made peace with my father and my stepfather. And I remember thinking, “Well, you’re a bigger person than me. I haven’t.”
Funny thing though, I would so frequently have bronchitis, which is all about the lungs, about holding grief.
Funny too, that I would have digestive issues. I had a very sensitive liver – which is holding on to anger.
Very sensitive to foods. But when we can step beyond the physical symptoms to what we emotionally feel, it is phenomenal.
Neither man was at my Mum’s funeral and we all thought, “thank goodness.” However, I got very sick again. I was like okay what do I have to do. So, I told everybody my story. All about the domestic violence - poor me. And then one day I had one of those “ah-ha” moments - love, love those.
When I was young, I had a bit of a relationship with my dad. My stepdad had disappeared overseas when my Mum needed him most - unfortunately that is life. I also found out how my stepdad was brought up. How he had one sane cell in his body, I don’t know. However, after knowing how he was treated I thought, ‘that still does not condone his behaviour.’ However, it did bring me awareness and insight.
My ah-ha was my Mum. Holding onto the bitterness and anger was hurting me, nobody else. They were living their lives. I was the one suffering. I was the one who was on the repeat cycle. I was the one in this ‘poor me’ mode.
Being able to forgive them, cutting cords, letting go of that emotional attachment was so liberating - freedom. And funnily enough my health improved. I wasn’t getting all the digestive issues and the angry liver. So, my mother was my biggest teacher for all that she suffered, and I am forever grateful to her.
When we are able to forgive ourselves that is another big, big call and some of us say, “Why didn’t I do this before.” When I was young, I reached out to family and friends, but my dad was Mr Charming. I reached out to the school counsellor. It was almost like, “You’ll be okay.” Thankfully, today more people listen.
There is also "forgiving myself" for my part in it. Yes, I was a young child. Yes, I was powerless to make a change for my family.
I felt guilty if I made a noise.
If I made a ruckus.
If I said the wrong thing, I would cause trouble and the trouble would affect everybody. It was a very sad song.
If you have a very angry man with all he endured as a child who didn’t’ have that awareness, didn’t have that ability to see that, he could stop the cycle. Knowing that he didn’t have to repeat it. When I saw him years later, he started talking about my Mum. Well, this little, petrified girl stood up to him and said, “Stop. I’ll talk to you about anybody and anything except my mother.” Because now I had found my voice, and I was able to put that boundary up and say, “This is where I draw the line and you don’t get to step over it. I have forgiven you, however it doesn’t mean that you get to walk over me.”
It helped me to unlock my inner empathic being. It is true that in all our stories, in all of our journeys, we can say there are people worse off but we are in our own shoes, and nobody has walked our path, and yes, we can have an understanding of somebody else’s experiences, however that is all it is – an understanding. Their troubles are not like ours, and ours are not like theirs.
And when we do need to say sorry, we need to remember if we don’t say it from our heart space, then don’t say it all. It we are not truly ready to either give forgiveness or ask for forgiveness then we are giving lip service. Not good or bad, wrong or right. It is what it is. When we can come back into our heart space and ask, ‘am I truly ready?’ that is when the healing occurs. That’s when the change can happen. And whether we are aware of it or not, if there is forgiveness, receiving or giving, that then ripples to all others of similar experiences because it is held in the consciousness for the greater good of everybody. It doesn’t stop affecting others as it ripples over and through lives that are lurching perhaps towards the better or just striving to stay upright. The ripples of forgiveness will reach everyone that needs the healing.
Sometimes people have passed, and you can’t say ‘sorry’ or ask their forgiveness or whatever we feel we need to do but, we can write them a letter - they hear it.
Say it out loud and imagine them sitting listening to you. Feel their energy. You will feel the change within. You will feel the healing. Afterwards, burn it with some Sage, asking forgiveness as you do so. Imagine that beautiful, gentle ripple of forgiveness spreading far and wide healing as it goes.
Over the next days, weeks, months you can feel gratitude for everybody coming together today. Whether we give a smile or we have the urge to say, "I am really sorry". In that moment I thought I was right, but I see now that wasn’t the best thing in that situation.” And no matter what the other person does with that apology that is not your responsibility. It is up to them. If you are coming from your heart, if you speak truly, that is all you can do. Whatever their journey is, they will take it when they are ready to take it.
Thank you for listening to me and I hope that some of my experience can help you on your journey to forgiveness and healing.
Love and light Barbara
